Ceci's Special: Communication Skills, Pt. 1

Another new thing that will be featured from time to time (along with books, issues related to the post-9/11 culture, politics and society), will be the examination of communication. This is especially dedicated to those who complain about a "lack of communication skills" because they have shed light on something that we all have to learn about from time to time. For those who say this about another, they must remember that forgiveness is a virtue, but not innate. After all, no one is perfect. We all need a refresher on how to relate to other people. And, after reading an interesting book called, People Skills (1979), there is a list of "communication enders" that is important for everyone to read. See if these things have come up in your talks with people on a daily basis:

1)criticizing: Making a negative evaluation of the other person, her actions, or attitudes.

2)Name-calling:"Putting down" or stereotyping the other person.

3)Diagnosing: Analyzing why a person is behaving as she is, playing amateur analyst.

4)Praising Evaluatively: Making a positive judgement of the other person, her actions and attitudes.

5)Ordering: Commanding the other person to do what you want to have done.

6)Threatening: Trying to control the other's actions by warning of negative consequences that you will instigate.

7)Moralizing: Telling another person what she should do.

8)Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning: Closed-ended questions are often barriers to a relationship; these are those that can be usually answered in a few words--often a simple yes or no.

9)Advising: Giving the other person a solution to her problems.

10)Diverting: Pushing the other's problems aside through distraction.

11)Logical argument: Attempting to convince the other with an appeal to facts or logic, without consideration of the emotional factors involved.

12)Reassuring: Trying to stop the other person from feeling the negative emotions she is experiencing.

--From Bolton, Robert. People Skills. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1979: 15-16.

In forums as well as in life, we all come across situations sometimes in which these things are done. I think that it is so deeply ingrained into our psyche that sometimes, we don't realize that we are doing these things. After reading the pages of this amazing text, it is fascinating to discover that not a lot of time is taken to teach how people express their emotions and thoughts to one another. Instead, it is far easier to just say things willy nilly without any idea of how the other person might feel. Well, it is always important to evaluate how you relate to others at least in your own communication circle.

Some might write this off. For the rest of us, these points are rather important because it would make the conversations we have so much better in the long run.

But then again, critical thinking skills are something that people ought to learn along with effective communication. Difficult people exist everywhere. Some are plainly difficult because they prefer to be that way. Others are difficult because they haven't adequately dealt with their own personal demons. And then, there are those who simply feel that they have to be the voice of authority in telling others how they should act or how they should feel in regards to a certain topic. Some of the worst offenders are those who openly criticize how others might approach a certain topic without thinking or examining their own ways of relating to others in the first place--especially when highlighting issues related to "control".

In light of this, perhaps it is best to say that for a person to mention how another "lacks personal communication skills", they should take a long look in the mirror at themselves and their problems. When they face the dark abyss that surrounds their own behavior (and perhaps force themselves to feel what little guilt they have over their own wayward approach to others), then, they might be a little more humbled and less arrogant in making such claims.

Other than that, communication skills, must simply be reevaluated from time to time. The lack of adequate training for relating to others has to be recognized. Perhaps, we might have a better society if all of us took the time to rediscover ourselves and how we view others in an empathetic and humane light.

I personally hope that this is a great message that everyone can take away with them because it is so sorely needed.