Looking On to Brighter Pastures

For the last two days, I have received e-mail from caring friends who expressed their shock over what had happened at that forum. I would like to extend a heartfelt and loving thanks for their notes of support after what seemed to be a protracted attempt to ask for a small request to the forum only to be punished for it.

I've spent these two last days soul searching over what had happened. I talked to family and friends. I've even consulted my tarot cards on the matter. But, the answer seemed to be plain and clear: as much as I loved being there and support its primary mission, the forum and myself were a match made in hell.

It's okay to say it. For anyone else reading my posts on the forum who didn't know me, they'd think I was a monster. And because of the controversial stands and contentious discussions I participated in, I wouldn't be surprised if the newer members thought of me as such. I am a very skilled and hard-nosed debator. That is a gift that I do not feel sorry for. But in the pursuit of passionate talk and exchange of information, I realize that perhaps that my tactics there were probably a bit too hard-nosed for the more sensitive amongst the members. And for that, I am very sorry. Because I prided myself on being precise and opinionated, I think that even my most controversial statements blew those who cared about me away.

During debate, I could not be the kinder, gentler Ceci. Because I'm used to exchanging my insights on a professional front with some real hard-nosed guys, I'm used to the terseness and the questions. I'm also used to people picking apart my awarenesses as much as they are used to me doing the same. In those exchanges, I am used to the school of hard knocks. But outside of that arena, it might seem shocking and rather impersonal. Especially, when I am used to treating social issues--that are usually emotional to everyone else--as research problems.

Some members at the forum did not get that and accused me of not knowing about "empathy". Or, being on a "soap box".

In fact, the harshest criticism came from one big cheese whiz who said, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT HERE, GET YOUR OWN FORUM!" before he punished me for the sin of simple inquiry (don't you love my use of CAPS? I hate doing so, but that's how angry HE was). Without fighting my case, I was ex-communicated, so to speak.

If he had gotten off of his high perch for just a little while, he'd see that I did. ;)

And furthermore, the grand poobah over there never did ask me whether I did like his board or not. He just assumed that I didn't. Talk about insincerity and ego-centric behavior.

What I can say about myself is that I don't get on soap boxes. I just try to fight hard to make my case. I think in a court of law a defendant could not ask for less of their advocate. I believe in trying to do my best to prove my own side. I consider the other side. I even try to make inroads toward a middle ground. But when there are too many factors that get in the way, then there is no meeting of the minds.

The tears still come sometimes because there are some people that I will miss dearly on the board. My heart still goes out to them and they have my thanks for their care and support. I certainly hope that by accident or by word of mouth they find me here and reconnect with me. I guess when you get "ex-communicated" by the big cheeze whiz at the forum, you undergo a bit of separation anxiety. And yes, it is very hard not to click on the site just to read what others have said for the day. It is also hard not to sift through my notes from friends and read their kind remarks as well as some Applauses for good work I've done.

But, one bad experience does not turn me away from forum life. I've been on forums before I came to that one, and I'll get on a few more. It is just that this experience was really unusual because I have never been badly treated at a forum before from some members to some of the staff. I've always been considered a respectful and polite person who is a good member, especially when making suggestions. But I guess, ego and intolerance stirs up a strange concoction of potent bromide--especially when it comes from people you would consider a little bit more refined.

I know in the next few days on the forum there will be those who will say that I "lacked communication skills" and that I had "discipline problems". There will probably be those who will send one another e-mail silently slapping each other on the back for my banning since I was such a "disruptive force" on an impersonal and obtuse board. It's okay. They can even call me the worst of names and continue to spread the negative aspects of my character if they want.

But, my heart is still with my friends there. I am still exceedingly loyal. And, quietly, I have moved on without a fight. I'm sad that I won't have my cup of Green Tea while reading some of the threads that suit my fancy, but I've got other things on the plate.

And yes, I'll have my cup of Green Tea again reading the posts of endeared friends and members once again--on a new forum.

(Don't you love product placement?) ;)

I'm going to be okay. And I'll be back writing about politics soon enough here too--once real life becomes more managable.

Sorry for the religious overtones, but, this is a day of resurrection. That's why I love Easter so much. It's a time to start anew with a clean slate and put the past behind you. Let's just say, that I am doing that for the good of my well-being.

Happy Easter.