Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fear and Wisdom

This is dedicated to all my friends, including Gem, DC Fusion, Harlem Hottie, Duzey, truthseeka, NMaginate, Listener, Bripe, donwhite, Mr. Zedd, Majic, parrhesia, psyopswatcher, maria_stardust, Just Generic, SevenSeal17, and the very literate and witty Niki. :)

It's been quite a while since I've written. But, nevertheless, it has been a time of activity in my own personal life. I've been going through life changes challenging my sanity, let alone my will in order to make it in this world. And, for the countless people online whom I've exchanged insights with day after day, week after week, year after year, they know me as someone who is passionately writing my insights fearlessly throughout the ups and downs of my discursive efforts on the Web. However, what a lot of people don't know is that it takes courage and insight to keep on getting out there even after the pitfalls that have happened to me during my adventures as a blog writer, forum participant and now, an Admnistrator of my own message board.

It also takes the daily practice of working with fear. You see a lot of people online write a plethora of things that produce a variety of reactions to a whole lot of people. Some of us write and produce art that many others read and see because of that love of doing it. And for myself, who has had to deal with shyness, self-doubt and a sometimes wondering if I said the right thing, it takes a lot of work to pick myself up and get out there again. But the fear never leaves sometimes, because you never know how people might react to what you've written and shared. For myself, I've faced the best of times, but equally had some ugly moments in which contentious subjects have brought out the worst of human character.

Like anyone else who has read countless discussion threads on a daily basis, you'd be amazed with what people say--especially in the face of frustration and anger. As I've mentioned in other capacities, I've had people insult my writing, call me names, proclaim that I was "delusional", say that I "didn't have empathy" and much worse. I've also been singled out in many capacities as being "disruptive" and "standing on a soapbox" (of which came from the very big Cheeze Whiz from a forum long, long ago who petulantly challeneged me to go elsewhere to discuss my favorite subjects because it "wasn't what the community wanted".).

And there are some posters who don't hold anything back. They let it fly. And the darkest moments come when they intentionally hurt others just because they can. That has happened through the discourse of social and political discussion. When I've read their insights and comments in such a fashion (after such a barrage of degradation that comes from their words), I wonder how they were able to sleep at night, let alone wake up every morning and go on with their lives.

But, I've realized, that even the worst posters (and bloggers, too) who do share their anger and outrage in such blatant ways, have to deal with fear. That moment of clarity in realizing my own actions on-line, has produce a deeper epiphany with me. With that knowledge, I am able (in the words of Dr. Susan Jeffers), to "feel the fear and do it anyway". ;)

Fear is something that everyone has. But instead of letting it structure my writing and conversations on-line, I see it as a challenge. I took baby steps long ago in saying my take on the pointed subjects of the day. I said very little at first because my overwhelming shyness held limitations that prevented me from saying what I truly think. And then, in the midst of issues that I passionately cared about, I began to blossom. Suffice it to say, the fear was still there. But, I continued to talk and embarked on my oddessy online.

And so far, what a voyage it has been. I've talked with people in all sorts of capacities. People have shared things with me that have opened my mind to different possibilities. I've cried, commisserated, laughed and advised. I've faced down groups of posters, battled with mods, and gone forth to tell the tale. And I've received some very beautiful notes of support along the way in which I keep as a motivation to continue talking, writing and producing my insights for others to read; it is also for me to explore the current events of the day. Along the way, I've learned so many interesting truths about humanity, especially when it is at its darkest. I've also realized that people--no matter what happens--are very resilient. We continue to go on even when embarrassing things happen in the face of the on-line comunity. We continue to create, share our words, nurture friendships and even, impart wisdom from time to time.

So, fear, is a companion to me. It challenges me. It embraces me. It helps me to put myself in the shoes of other people. And, it instills me with the courage to go on even the face of trials that have rocked me. And, of course, it has allowed me to continue to keep on being heard despite the fact that sometimes, I've faced people who didn't like what I've had to say.

But most of all, my challenges have brought me the fruits of satisfaction and wonderful people into my circle of whom I cherish and admire profusely. I thank them for their gifts of friendship they have brought me. And I enjoy their words everyday because they add in my understanding of the world and everything that is in it. They help me continue on this road of writing and conversing about current events. And in my personal life, I'm able to see the world with new eyes.

Fear can be a crippling influence. But when you embrace it, it is a friend and a confidant that can help you do so much more. :)

More political insights coming soon!


kallioppe said...

Hi Ceci

Great to know you are still writing and hanging in there. I wanted to send you an email update but couldn't find your address. Anyway, take care and keep fighting the good fight.


Ceci said...

Dearest Niki,

I just wanted to you to know that I received your e-mail and I thank you for keeping me abreast on your latest and most wonderful achievement. It makes me proud and thrilled to know that you have finally embarked on your dream as a published writer. And, I extend to you the most heartfelt wishes on your upcoming novel.

I also have to extend to you an apology for not being able to communicate with you sooner. In an upcoming e-mail, I'll explain to you why.

But, I want to tell you that I thank you for your kindness and your support over these years. And, I continue to enjoy your writing. I will always be in your corner because you have demonstrated a wonderful thing you can do with experience and art.

Please continue to keep me in the know about what you're going to do. And for myself, I will continue to write and express myself (even though these days find me busy and rather deep into my own personal dramas).

Take good care,

Ceci :)


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