Monday, June 18, 2007

Ceci's Communication Special, Pt. IV: The Courage To Try

Call me terse in my writing. Heck. You can even call me sarcastic at times. But, still, this entry comes from the heart--as my other essays on the blog. And, for you new readers to the blog, every once in a while, I write a little column about communication skills. This was inspired by a poster (who will still remain nameless from a board long, long ago and far away) who blatantly said in her post that "I lacked the communication skills to be on a certain forum"(that will also remain nameless). I dedicate this series to not only her, but to the rest of you who might grapple with your communication skills from time to time when you go on your postings duties like I do.

After all, we all come to logger-heads with other individuals who will misunderstand you know matter what you say. And, of course, we all have engaged in "verbal battles" (I prefer to call them debates) with others who will say things out of their misunderstanding and their lack of trying to create a middle ground in contentious issues.

In my discussions on-line, I have been told that "I lacked empathy" and sought to stir discord with my talks on controversial issues. At the very beginning when I was told these remarks, I thought to myself perhaps that they might have a point. There are times in which highly emotional discussions turn out to be free for alls in which passions take the place of reason. Let me tell you, I have witnessed it warts and all. But, time and wisdom has taught me that it isn't the conversations on-line themselves that cause the problems. It is the attitudes of others who refuse to understand. The refusal to understand another point of view causes frustration.

That's why there needs to be a moment when engaging in tough conversations to take a step back and assess your point of view. Then, you can go on to discuss these matters another day.

Just because someone has a strong opinion about a given topic doesn't mean that they are a brick wall.

Of course, there are those out there who are like "brick walls" who let any amount of facts bounce back without even discerning the difference between their thoughts and yours.

But for the most part, expressing one's opinion takes a tremendous amount of courage that sometimes seems foolhardy and stupid. The simple bravery to engage in tough conversations again and again requires a lot of character and fortitude that even a shy person like myself can't muster all the time.

Engaging in meaningful and contentious conversations has caused me to grow a thick skin over my years of posting. That has required a lot of researching on my part in learning how to properly engage in debates. Most of the time, I have met interesting and fascinating people due to my love of politics. Our talks together has caused me to grow as a person and to become more knowledgable about the world around me. I have learned a breadth of information from these thinkers because they taught me to see the world with new eyes, pretty much in the same way that the talks with my family have done.

And then, there are other times, I have met the type of poster who would lord over the conversation by pronouncing their credentials at every turn of the way. While they are discussing their side of the issue, they would slip in little digs such as, "You ought to go back to school to learn some more history." Or they would pronounce, "I have such and such degrees. That means I am qualified to talk about this while you aren't."

Especially in talks about race, I've gotten the usual, exasperated response, "What do you want?!?" That is even after I have said the aims of my conversation over and over in many posts in the same thread.

In the past, those conversations used to frustrate me because I tried to be as clear in my communication skills as I could possibly be. Even though those times have resulted in different outcomes, I simply discovered I must have courage to try again.

I've realized by now, not everyone will have the patience to discuss an important issue with aplomb and kindness. In fact, I've found out that there are some who are not in the least geniuine or polite about making their points--often going below the belt. Even when I get the short end of the stick in such negative affairs, I gained the insight that it requires a lot of mettle in order to go on even though the other side might portray you as the bad guy (or gal). That means, sticking to what I've presented and not wavering even if a group of posters try to persuade you otherwise.

Having the courage to speak requires not only fortitude; it also demands conscience and sensitivity to see into human character. If anything, discussions on-line have been compelling because there are so many facets to people that I have yet to discover. And as a result, I love engaging in the fun as well as the serious conversations because you learn so much how to relate with others. These very same lessons can be taken back with you into the "real world" when you deal with classmates, professors, bosses and co-workers.

The most important and revelant thing about having the courage to speak is to discover that not everyone in the world thinks like you do. You also develop the grace to acknowledge that everyone has their special fount of knowledge in which they pride themselves on. But to be a true conversant in a discussion is to be the student instead of the teacher, contribute where you can to widen the conversation, and to always have the resolve to speak your mind with a sense of strength even though others might not agree with you.

It is natural to fear the unknown when you participate in discussions that are rife with emotion. Out of that fear comes wisdom enough to know what your limits are. Furthermore, you begin to learn what you are able to express. It takes baby steps. In the end, it is worth it to have the special privilege to discuss a variety of things with various people. It is noteworthy to be able to have those conversations and to see how much further you can stretch yourself in terms of gaining knowledge and exchanging information.

2 comments:

Lady Ursula Major said...

Hi Ceci

Just wanted to say that I think your communication skills are top notch. I've always been impressed the way you weigh up the two side of any argument. Of course when passion strikes, it is always difficult to remain focused, especially when debating some of those individuals (from those forums) who can at times be so frustrating, it makes me want to run far away. But i've seen you do a good job despite the opposition, so good on you. I think part of being a good passionate debater is constantly reassesing your own motivations and methods, and you certainly do that. None of us are perfect or right 100% and sometimes some of us can be quite clueless about things; parroting whatever we've heard from other people or the media - I think it takes a lot of gumption to be able to stand up and exchange your ideas with others so that some common ground can be achieved. Even more so when you already know going in that it is a losing battle.

Ceci said...

Hey Niki!!! :D

It is so nice to see you grace the pages of the blog once again. It is certainly a pleasure to read your comments once again because I have so missed them. :)

Thank you for the kind words (even after I realized that I didn't edit the essay extensively enough :P) and the wonderful remarks.

What you said possesses a lot of common sense. After all, it is a difficult enterprise to discuss pertinent issues such as the ones I've encountered on forums. As I said in the entry, it does take courage and presence of mind when you do take on controversial topics. And sometimes, yes, it makes me want to run away as well.

But, in my experience, when things get that bad, I simply take myself out of the discussion now and let myself read the comments of others before I answer. That has helped me a lot now--especially in the aftermath of the forum we all know and love.

No, we're not perfect at it. And I am the least perfect of all of us. I still make many mistakes and pitfalls when I discuss my side passionately in a debate. Once in a while, I let a sarcastic barb slip out when the other side has proven obnoxious and closed-minded in their views. So, even now I have to check myself and my comments sometimes to make sure that I focus more on the topic instead of being drawn into the vortex of negativity that sometimes arises.

However, I've learned quite a deal from those experiences. It has made me a more assertive person in the long run. It has also made me more creative and adventurous when reading a plethora of subjects in order to learn more about the subject matter at hand.

So, in the end, it is a good thing--especially when I do come across a small group of posters who oppose what I have said. Those experiences taught me to be brave in the act to find that common ground. Here too, I agree with you most whole-heartedly.

I think about those times especially when an issue spirals downward into dissention.

Again, as always, I thank you for visiting the blog. Please don't be a stranger in the future. Continue to share your spectacular insights here because they are very relevant and great to read. :)

Lots of hugs, my dear friend.

Take good care,

Ceci :)

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